I can feel my feet for the first time in 18 months! My toxic neuropathy retreats. Headache chronic still but much better, Yeay!

WESSA (the West of England School Sailing Association) is still my focus, it is the epicenter of boating in Bristol Harbour for the disadvantaged, and will remain so until I get paid work as a support worker (see Proem). Society in the guise of managers will cogitate leisurely I am sure, I’ve now emailed every SEN and ‘special’ school in Bristol to introduce myself but without any useful results. Patience with managerial protocol is not a personal trait but probably advisable at this time, the BBC’s DG has just resigned less than 2 months in post, lack of managerial protocol is blamed-surely if the DG resigns then all in the chain from Newsnight to DG are responsible- oh, I forgot, ‘Mr No One’ is responsible, he’s the only one with any balls.

I shared at Chandos yesterday, a bit scary really as recently I had a panic attack walking there and pissed myself, anyway I spoke about my journey and the 16 strong audience, all addicts bar one, riposted. My story very briefly covered my drinking history then my recovery was the omphalos; my infrequent fellowship meetings, no sanctioned sponsor or sponsees, my gallimaufry of ‘steps’, service as tea boy but no other...but utter commitment to not having any alcohol or other psychoactive drug (other than caffeine and nicotine of course! Chocolate isn’t on the list & sparsely taken). The audience responded enthusiastically-each identifying with at least a part of my soliloquy even those I know are committed fellowship constituents. Singular voyages towards a common destination-a fulfilling life in recovery.

Existential dilemmas in ‘The House’ and in ‘anonymous’ meetings continue to fascinate me. Unfortunate wights deliberate on such matters as: why shouldn’t I continue GBH towards women and/or pimp them; why is sniffing cocaine every weekend considered addiction not acceptable social use; why is causing foetal addiction wrong; why are opioids in a prescription drug legal but ‘on the street’ illegal when it’s the same psychoactive drug-e.g. morphine; why? I propose that the extract from an Australian paper (top) expresses my views exactly but not that of some (most?) mentors: chronologically; parents and/or carers, teachers, educational therapists and social workers, probation officers, social workers...loop individually, spiral to ‘jails, institutions and an (early) death or splinter away from peers. We all have choice.

Whilst believing modern theoretical physics does describe my perceived surroundings quite well, the concepts are simple, I am also aware not all understand how it underpins my philosophy. By the way disregard time as being a dimension for the moment.  Big Bang theory adequately explains what we can measure from Higg's Boson to Galaxies so imagine those equations describing what any of us may sense physically. Imagine 3 perfect balls dropped from a bag onto a perfect pool table with precisely known attributes such as cushion bounce, friction etc. - now assume you take the cue and strike a ball with known force and angle so it hits the second ball at such an angle that it hits the third in a way to put it in a certain place - it's simple maths - try it, any good pool player does it in their head and their pool table isn't even perfect! 

Now make the table 3 dimensional, drop the balls in, and use the cue to hit one and start calculating, again simple maths, just more freedom of movement. Allow me the luxury of some renaming; call the bag a singularity, the table this universe, the balls particles (electrons etc.), the cue force (of expansion) and do the maths, you should get what we see around us. Of course it has taken 13.75 billion years in practice so maybe just accept that idea as being good enough for the moment and turn to considering where the bag came from - it didn't exist in this universe before the big bang - and who held the cue. Particles can be seen popping in and out of our 3 dimensional universe so there must be more dimensions, 13 or so I believe, and I also believe there was a. more than one initial condition the singularity was in and/or b. more than one amount and/or direction of expansion applied and/or c. random barriers were and/or are placed just to complicate the maths.

Future echoes of 'bullshit' are deafening but to me it means all realities (past, present and future) exist,are calculable hence knowable, but 'I' choose second by second which one 'I' will inhabit, 'my' future is not pre-ordained - 'I' have free will and accept the consequences of 'my' actions in this universe - this reality. How others perceive me and how I perceive others is the gallimaufry herein.