Personalities continue to fascinate me, I have always been a people watcher, an adherent to Queen Elizabeth’s motto "video et taceo", ‘I saw and said nothing (at the time)’, a coryphaeus in the shadows. A recent (non-fellowship) preliminary meeting’s objective was squashed by a loudmouth’s opinion, some simply recoiled, others, more assertive, politely retreated mid sentence. Fellowship meetings on the other hand do not permit verbal interruptions, although glares are sufficiently fierce to cause strategic disentanglement, so lightning fast retorts are required to air one’s views, pity the hesitant and the quietly spoken.

Interjections are necessary in conversation these days, if one does not ride roughshod over another’s homily then one cannot express a viewpoint. Listen to the Radio 4 Today show, watch the BBC Newsnight program and note how often the ‘interviewer’ bullies his or her ‘guest’ (replace with interrogator & respondent); the bully will always interrupt-I just heard a classic, respondent ‘....on your previous piece...a few minutes ago...she said...’ interrupted by bully ‘tell us what she said now, come on’. I’m not saying that a ‘lone voice in the wilderness’ should be favoured -he/she/they can post on social media- but that it is possible to be polite and robust simultaneously. Meetings are no different.

Addictive personalities appear to replace a cacoethes for a substance with a compulsion for a rite, frequently plural, we are always right of course (not). Illustrations: the rostrum of a crack house replaced by that of fellowship meetings, bars by coffee shops, the ritual of self injection by tea ceremonies, an eating disorder by a precision diet, self-harm by cool. Abnegation of our addiction is only possible when accompanied by a replacement activity, ofttimes ‘bigging up’ in the gym and/or lotions and potions. Moderation by inculcation is oxymoronic, didactics successful but require especial shepherds to cause a metamorphosis of addict to citizen.

Aspiring to replicate my shepherds’ examples with originality is my intent, some messiahs promote their way of life using absolutes -x thousand lives ‘saved’ through dogma- percentages are bleaker. If abstinence is the parameter then of all young adults; 7% are in addiction (Office of National Statistics), of that 7% that go through recognized treatment fewer than 20% are abstinent after a year. The pattern continues year on year, commonly quoted figures ignore the fact that most addicts die young so distorting age related percentages. I am a rare example of a 57 year old alcoholic (surviving 40 years of addiction using the fellowship definition or 10 years using the medical definition) still abstinent after a year, my relapse is 98.5% guaranteed.

Self knowledge with perception of those around me has given me the notion, despised by some, that each of us must dare to challenge, to peregrinate without goosestepping, to make our own bed and lie in it.

I can feel my feet for the first time in 18 months! My toxic neuropathy retreats. Headache chronic still but much better, Yeay!

WESSA (the West of England School Sailing Association) is still my focus, it is the epicenter of boating in Bristol Harbour for the disadvantaged, and will remain so until I get paid work as a support worker (see Proem). Society in the guise of managers will cogitate leisurely I am sure, I’ve now emailed every SEN and ‘special’ school in Bristol to introduce myself but without any useful results. Patience with managerial protocol is not a personal trait but probably advisable at this time, the BBC’s DG has just resigned less than 2 months in post, lack of managerial protocol is blamed-surely if the DG resigns then all in the chain from Newsnight to DG are responsible- oh, I forgot, ‘Mr No One’ is responsible, he’s the only one with any balls.

I shared at Chandos yesterday, a bit scary really as recently I had a panic attack walking there and pissed myself, anyway I spoke about my journey and the 16 strong audience, all addicts bar one, riposted. My story very briefly covered my drinking history then my recovery was the omphalos; my infrequent fellowship meetings, no sanctioned sponsor or sponsees, my gallimaufry of ‘steps’, service as tea boy but no other...but utter commitment to not having any alcohol or other psychoactive drug (other than caffeine and nicotine of course! Chocolate isn’t on the list & sparsely taken). The audience responded enthusiastically-each identifying with at least a part of my soliloquy even those I know are committed fellowship constituents. Singular voyages towards a common destination-a fulfilling life in recovery.

Existential dilemmas in ‘The House’ and in ‘anonymous’ meetings continue to fascinate me. Unfortunate wights deliberate on such matters as: why shouldn’t I continue GBH towards women and/or pimp them; why is sniffing cocaine every weekend considered addiction not acceptable social use; why is causing foetal addiction wrong; why are opioids in a prescription drug legal but ‘on the street’ illegal when it’s the same psychoactive drug-e.g. morphine; why? I propose that the extract from an Australian paper (top) expresses my views exactly but not that of some (most?) mentors: chronologically; parents and/or carers, teachers, educational therapists and social workers, probation officers, social workers...loop individually, spiral to ‘jails, institutions and an (early) death or splinter away from peers. We all have choice.

Whilst believing modern theoretical physics does describe my perceived surroundings quite well, the concepts are simple, I am also aware not all understand how it underpins my philosophy. By the way disregard time as being a dimension for the moment.  Big Bang theory adequately explains what we can measure from Higg's Boson to Galaxies so imagine those equations describing what any of us may sense physically. Imagine 3 perfect balls dropped from a bag onto a perfect pool table with precisely known attributes such as cushion bounce, friction etc. - now assume you take the cue and strike a ball with known force and angle so it hits the second ball at such an angle that it hits the third in a way to put it in a certain place - it's simple maths - try it, any good pool player does it in their head and their pool table isn't even perfect! 

Now make the table 3 dimensional, drop the balls in, and use the cue to hit one and start calculating, again simple maths, just more freedom of movement. Allow me the luxury of some renaming; call the bag a singularity, the table this universe, the balls particles (electrons etc.), the cue force (of expansion) and do the maths, you should get what we see around us. Of course it has taken 13.75 billion years in practice so maybe just accept that idea as being good enough for the moment and turn to considering where the bag came from - it didn't exist in this universe before the big bang - and who held the cue. Particles can be seen popping in and out of our 3 dimensional universe so there must be more dimensions, 13 or so I believe, and I also believe there was a. more than one initial condition the singularity was in and/or b. more than one amount and/or direction of expansion applied and/or c. random barriers were and/or are placed just to complicate the maths.

Future echoes of 'bullshit' are deafening but to me it means all realities (past, present and future) exist,are calculable hence knowable, but 'I' choose second by second which one 'I' will inhabit, 'my' future is not pre-ordained - 'I' have free will and accept the consequences of 'my' actions in this universe - this reality. How others perceive me and how I perceive others is the gallimaufry herein.